This journal is mostly public, except for personal rants and ravings – so you're not missing much if you're not given access, trust me! Feel free to subscribe, and I'll subscribe back if I feel like we could be buddies, but don't feel bad if I don't! After all, it's best to take your time to get to know someone, right? Public posts are filled with my ramblings about life, video games, maybe anime/manga, etc., and private/access posts are usually about more personal things (ex. family, etc).

Going back to LJ under the account name kiramekii.. If you wanna know why, see this post over at my LJ. No hard feelings to DW - but this place is a bit of a dead zone, so I'm going back to where all the fun's at. Hell, I'm not even sure why I left LJ. I've been back on LJ for three weeks or so and I'm glad to be back, so I don't think I'll be posting here anymore. Anyway, cheers, DW! T'was nice knowin' ya.

Ugh, roleplaying is a pain in my ass right now. Like, to be honest, I'm burned out. I can't keep up. I'm done. I mean, I do love that site but I feel like every post that I'm posting is another bit of brainpower that I could be working on Pridea with.

And also, I guess why I tire of roleplaying is that everything MOVES TOO FUCKEN SLOW. I'm not talking about normal forum RPs - you know, one with a set setting and you make characters to fit that setting? No, I'm talking like 'register roleplays,' where you come up with an idea, people sign up, and then the whole roleplay takes a thread? God, fuck doing this sort of thing - with strangers, anyway - if there's a cool plot, it takes forever for it to appear and in my case, you can waste months there and a plot never emerges! God! You're just creating character after character, plot after plot until you finally stop and question, "Why the fuck am I doing this?!"

I love plotting out ideas and characters and plot twists but I don't actually like writing them with people anymore because roleplays move slower than molasses running uphill in winter. Like, I don't know, it just seems overrated now, to post 800-1000+ words (sometimes) on one character interaction, when if you're writing by yourself, it's a lot easier to control where you want a story to go, how you want the tone to be - sometimes you can say, "Fuck writing this in order, let me just get to the good scene...!" God, screw waiting a billion years building up tension and drama.

With a person that I know personally roleplaying with me, it's better, because I know they're going to post and that I'm going to post, etc., but with strangers, its intolerable.

And I've decided that maybe blogging about writing isn't so bad... God, yes, I know I'm a hypocrite, I'm a huge hypocrite, but hopefully this is the last post you'll see me make about roleplaying, anyway. I'm trying to get back to my schedule of outlining Pridea - I want the outline done by the end of March or the very beginning of April at least, and it's coming along okay, I think... Man, I'm just really tired lately, just trying to cut back on the unnecessary stuff that I don't need...

Okay guys, this is a serious business post,

... actually, it's not really very serious business. This is just a personal update - I've decided that I'm not going to start that writing blog I was talking about so fondly - at least, not on Blogger.

Here's the truth about myself: I don't really give a damn about pretentious writers, or those who work in serious business writing groups, etc. Writers / authors who blog on Blogger are all old maids (40+) ... and I know, 40 isn't that old but fuck, I'm only eighteen, I'm not about to try to fit into a group that's populated with housewives that are older than me and have absolutely nothing in common with me, except for the fact that they write. I'm not sure why I thought it was a good idea in the first place.

In the beginning of January I was reading a lot of writer and author blogs who acted like they were the AUTHORITY on the "correct" way to write novels - how writers should all have Blogger blogs and constantly work on establishing networks with other writers and getting their book out their and blah blah blah, that shit's not FUN man, it's not fun. I'm doing this my way. I'm not going to join Absolute Write and have discussions with pretentious fuckin' writers about the correct way to establish plot or how not to do dialogue ...

I absolutely hate when people treat writing like a science. I hate graphic organizers, I hate when people blog about how prologues are "out" and short chapters are "in" - fuck you, I'll write what I wanna write, and yes, people actually blog about how this crap. How can a prologue be "out"?! This isn't fuckin' Aeropostale you goddamn cushy housewife, this is writing. Sit your ass down and write and stop treating this like a science, so poor fucken retarded newbies to the trade will nod their heads and praise you for sounding so goddamn smart. 

I mean, it sounds like I'm just complaining about nothing, but for so long I was reading these author blogs every goddamn day (well, okay, just for two months, but those are two months of my life I ain't gonna get back!) thinking I was reading the equivalent to the holy lord's gospel, when really... you don't need a manual to write. Just fucken' write.

Also, I can't talk about my writing in a "formal" fashion for the life of me - fuck that, I can't put on airs in text. In real life, sure, but my blog is me and if I can't express myself fully than fuck it, I'm not doing it. I'm gonna have fun with this and do it my way.

Not joining Scribophile either. I know you get good crit there but it's also full of old ladies who think their writing is THE MOST SPECTACTULAR THING EVER and I can't mesh with that.

OH MY GOD GUYS.
IT'S TIME FOR...
STUPID THINGS KIRI DID TODAY!

1. Randomly snapping fingers and singing Tunnel Snakes Rule!! around the house.
LISTEN TO THE SONG. It'll never leave you. Never.
I listen to it before I go to school, before I go to bed, and before I take a shower. Dead serious.
I don't even know who the Tunnel Snakes are. But they fuckin' rule.

2. Did nothing Pridea-related.
WTF KIRI. GET CRACKING.

And then I...
3. Got involved in six different roleplay threads on that addicting forum I left and then went back to...
...
And I joined another roleplay too...
...

WHAT. WHAT. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.
Why can't I be productive?! WHY AM I SUCH AN ADDICT?! WRRRRRRRY.

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY.

HEY GUYS,
IS ANYONE AWARE OF HOW FUCKEN AWSUM ELDER SCROLLS IV OBLIVION IS?!
... (Kiri, you're so late. You're so late it's not even funny.)

OKAY SO I've recently been playing Oblivion (it was a semi-birthday present - "We're at the mall now anyway, so while we buy the TV you can go shop around if you want. -  and one of the infuriating reasons why the rentals aren't getting me Dragon Age 2 until Christmas, yay...) and HOLY SHIT where has this game been all my life. Admittedly, I didn't think I would like it - hell I heard of it but I hadn't really, you know, been INFORMED about the SHEER LEVELS OF BADASSERY that this game has. Holy shit. It is by far the best RPG I have ever played in my life ever. SERIOUSLY, where has it been all my life?! I'm currently playing as a Redguard rogue and roleplaying through a character in a video game has never been so much fucking fun. I was never really able to get behind my character in Dragon Age / Mass Effect, they were just an avatar I used to play the game - but in Oblivion, I really feel like I am Demeter Larke (my character), and playing as her is ridiculously epic. Never in my life has a game been so much fuckin' fun. Seriously. I know Oblivion is the only Bethseda game I've ever played, but now I'm stoked for Skyrim and I really wanna find a copy of Fallout 3 and later Fallout: New Vegas because CHRIST these people are awesome at making immersive games. I prolly should mention that this is the first game I've ever played in first person (no, combat in Mass Effect doesn't count) so maybe that's part of the reason? But I want more from Bethseda. MOAR I SAY. Seriously, this is just... the best game ever. EVER.

SPEAKING OF AWESOME GAMES I'm also playing Baldur's Gate! Have not made much progress though. I started out playing a bard but I'm not really digging the spells bards get anyway, so I was gonna switch to a warrior but that's so fucken boring man, so now I'm not really sure what I'm doing and gaaaaargh! razzberree told me that this is seriously the best game she's ever played so I wanna do my first runthrough with a badass character BUT I keep switching and it's really fucken annoying that I can't just pick one...! I'm prolly gonna go back to my Bard - I got moderately far (psssh, not really) on that save slot so yeah, I'll just deal with it.

While we're on the topic of Bioware HOLY SHIT have you SEEN the DA2 characters? The Fenris from that game reminds me of my own beloved character Fenrisulfr Rotht. They both have that white hair, tortured mage thing going on, yeah? FFFFF, definitely romancing him first! I feel kind of left out though - like, a lot of those characters in DA2 are from Awakenings and hell if I played Awakenings, but I'm pretty sure you don't need to play Awakenings to get the story... hopefully...!

Oh, you know that writer's blog that I started? Well, that I said I was gonna start? Yeah, I made it, but I'm not sure what to post.

Like, I could talk about how I had to retcon everyone's ages in part one because ten year olds talking politics makes no fucken sense (they're thirteen now, and their confusion about the government, racism, and elitism makes a lot more sense coming from frustrated teens than innocent ten year old kids). I mean, Prideans are supposed to have above average intelligence so that's why I made them ten, but...

What the hell, why is it easy to talk about this now than in my other blog? Less pressure, I suppose? I guess I'll go try making a post again... And no, I'm not posting the link up to that blog here, not until I actually get a post up! It's literally got nothing in it now...

In Summary! OBLIVION is fucken awesome, Kiri does want Fallout 3, Kiri needs to play MOAR Baldur's Gate and actually post crap on her writing blog! DO IT NOWS.

I AM A ROLEPLAYER AND THAT MEANS I ROLEPLAY.

Had the biggest writer's block today - now I finally know what it means, to actually just have... this thing that happens and you just can't write anything. I really think it happened because I've been intentionally avoiding the few writerly friends I have, just literally going out of my way to make sure that I didn't have to talk to them, just 'cause I didn't feel like it. Today I broke down and IM'd them all, and kind of avoided answering why I had been away for so long.

Seriously, I don't get why I'm so antisocial? It's like there's a wall between me and everyone else, except razzberree , who is more like family to me - I can't recall a time when there ever was a wall between us, if there ever was. I want to make more strong relationships with people, but I'm so shy about it, it takes forever for me to type because I'm constantly analyzing everything I say, hoping I don't come out sounding like a total dweeb. But I've been working hard on Pridea, and I can't work on it all the time - it helps to talk to other people who are also writing, or roleplaying, so I know I'm not alone? Or maybe it just helps to stop being in my shell all the time, because I'm human, and as a human, I need other humans? I don't know.

SPEAKING OF ROLEPLAYING, I've been working diligently on outlining Pridea (yay for working out over 9000 plot kinks...) but like I said, I get these huge blocks where my mind just refuses to work on it, so I'm thinking I need to work on something else. I'm thinking I should just break down and join a frickin' roleplay but my mind is like, "NOOOO, don't do it, Kiri, you'll regret it!" But I really, really need to, or at least, I think I need to.

I get a headache when I talk to too many people. I just can't find the right balance.