I feel like shit, or rather, I just feel really nervous and anxious right now. My intern teach wants me to cover a story about Marc Dorcean coming to our high school on Friday, and that's nice and everything, but when I called the freelancer about it, he kind of dodged the question and gave off a vibe that clearly read: "I don't really want to go if I don't have to." Eventually, I did talk him into it, but I realized afterwards - going to this concert won't really have any benefit for him. He can't use any of the information in an article for him to write and get paid for. Everyone expected me to do this by myself. Everyone wanted me to just go there and cover it. How did I get myself into this mess again...? Was it my advisor, that reminded my intern teach about this mess? I guess so - but really, it was me who decided to take on all these responsibilities. I could've just roughed it out in Spanish V Honors and be like normal kids, and not have an intern at all, but when I thought I was cutting corners, in the end I just made more work for myself.

So now I feel horrible. I didn't even think about the freelancer's feelings at all. He's done so much for me, and I forced him into such an awkward position. Wednesday I have to call him back (there's no school Tuesday) and just tell him that it's fine, we don't have to go. I'll ask if anything else is going on during the week. I'll be good. I won't do anything extra. That's fine with me. I never wanted to cover this guy in the first place! All I want to do is the minimum amount of work required to pass, and get the hell out of school. I never cared about the school and the goings-on in my old school, so why am I trying so hard to pretend like I care now? For my Latin teacher, for my intern teach, I guess - he did set me up with the freelancer, without him I wouldn't be anywhere. But when will this debt finally be paid? When will I be able to wiggle free of his grasp?

Today mom realized that there's no way we can even pay for four years of college at URI. It's better to just go to CCRI and do my general studies there, then transfer to URI after that's over and done with. I thought I might cry, when I heard that. I used to hold myself at such a high standard. How did it come to do? When everyone else talks about college, they all talk of going out of state, some out of the country, some to beautiful, marvelous campuses. And I'll still be here in little Rhody, going to a community college nonetheless, when I know I'm better than this! One of my good friends is applying to Brown for god's sake, and where I am heading? I'm headed down to a town of mediocrity. It's not even fair to say that - my mom was brilliant and she went to CCRI for nursing. But I guess it doesn't matter - I wasn't brilliant enough to get the math grade I needed for the scholarship I was applicable for, so this is the result. Life is not sunshine and rainbows and pretty college campuses. 

In other news, there's no school tomorrow! I plan on playing some Kingdom Hearts as soon as I wake up, and I'm gonna try my hardest not to worry about anything! I've been working so hard and being stressed out over stupid little things, now's my chance to finally kick back, right? Playing Kingdom Hearts, Phoenix Wright, writing, reading, napping... making pizza for lunch! Tomorrow's gonna be great! And tonight will be fun too! I've got loads of anime downloaded that I can sink my teeth into, games to play, books to read... Relax! Stop worrying about what you said to the freelancer! It's fine, everything will work out.

Today's the beginning of NaNoWriMo, but I'm looking forward to finally being able to join origfic_bingo! Man, I just got my cubes yesterday, but now that bingo's starting up and I can join, I'm looking forward to that more! I applied for my card last night, so hopefully I'll get it soon and start working hard on it! I was hoping to bingo with a blackout, wouldn't that be cool? Why waste precious prompts, am I right?

Man, I love blogging, I always feel a little better afterwards! Don't worry, be happy!