Fuck senior project. Fuck it to hell. Fuck finding a mentor and fuck working on a project with him, fuck preparing a speech and fuck telling the judges how much you learned during this project and how it bettered you as a person. Fuck it. This project's not bettering me, it's driving me insane. Just when I thought I found a mentor, I realized that their website had false information - they didn't live in East Providence anymore, they were all the way in goddamn Bristol. Bristol! Can't drive that far away, mom says, but why not? Too bad, just find a new mentor. Find a new mentor. Haha, like it's that goddamn easy - the only reason I chose the project I did was because I thought I had found a good mentor, that I was all set. Now? Too bad, so sad, you need to start all over again, wipe the clean slate, find a new mentor.

Maybe in any other state it'd be easy, but with corrupt Rhode Island? No. Can't go anywhere near Providence, that's the bad lands, nevermind that you'll be going there in broad daylight, haha, no, you need to choose somewhere else, nevermind that most newspaper joints are stationed over there. Others are too "shady," ones without websites can't be trusted, damn, nothing else seems acceptable for me to even step foot in, according to mom.

A part of me wants to flee, just run away like I do all my problems, and another part of me wishes I had never moved to East Providence at all. Yeah, in my first year here, I loved it - nicer people, better lunches, a fresh beginning, leaving behind my sordid past in Pawtucket. Fine, easy, cool. Now senior projects runs around and I want to tuck in my tail and start running. Typical of me, but that's how I am - why face a problem if you can just put distance from it instead? I'd love to sit here and count the ways my life would be different if we had just stayed our asses in Pawtucket. I'd like to think that maybe I could've prevented the move if I hadn't been so apathetic about it. Maybe things would be totally different if I had spoken up and said, no, I don't want to move, look at all the ties I made here, but I didn't do that. I did the opposite of that. I smiled at all the ties I was going to soon break and didn't say goodbye to any of them. Fucking coward I was, just running, now everything's gonna bite me in the back.

Just called Channel 12 and they can't get back to me 'till Thursday, too bad I really need this shit Friday and I don't have the heart to tell my mom how useless my situation is now. I don't get why they can't drive me to Bristol. It's a long drive and I know I need fifteen hours, and fifteen times is a lot to drive me back and forth, but I got nowhere else to go. I have nowhere else to go. I'd cry if I wasn't so pissed and the fact that I even want to cry is pissing me off even more. I'm tougher than this shit. I'm way tougher than this shit.

And I'm wondering what's stopping me from running, and then I remember yesterday and how proud I was of myself for realizing that this is my fate, this is what I have to do, and I realize they're all holding me down. Mom, Dad, my sister, and all the teachers who believe in me for some stupid reason - like Mr. Perry, who is the teacher I feel closest to there, the one that makes me think that maybe I'm not so goddamn useless after all.

And fuck, there are the tears, there's the water in my eyes, there's the eventually tear that slips down my cheek. How long has it been since I've seen my own tears? I dunno, I don't care anymore. I'm probably overreacting, and I'm just doing this because dad's not here. Mom's a fucking coward too when it comes to crisis - she just sits back and lets me take it, she's only ever there for the good, never there for the bad. I know she's done a lot for me and I know I need to repay my debts, but once I do, I'm gone. I think I deserve my own dream, if I even make it past this hurdle. After all I've done, I think I deserve my own goddamn dream.