Kiri
08 March 2011 @ 07:13 pm
I AM A HYPOCRITE AND THAT MEANS I AM A HYPOCRITE  
Ugh, roleplaying is a pain in my ass right now. Like, to be honest, I'm burned out. I can't keep up. I'm done. I mean, I do love that site but I feel like every post that I'm posting is another bit of brainpower that I could be working on Pridea with.

And also, I guess why I tire of roleplaying is that everything MOVES TOO FUCKEN SLOW. I'm not talking about normal forum RPs - you know, one with a set setting and you make characters to fit that setting? No, I'm talking like 'register roleplays,' where you come up with an idea, people sign up, and then the whole roleplay takes a thread? God, fuck doing this sort of thing - with strangers, anyway - if there's a cool plot, it takes forever for it to appear and in my case, you can waste months there and a plot never emerges! God! You're just creating character after character, plot after plot until you finally stop and question, "Why the fuck am I doing this?!"

I love plotting out ideas and characters and plot twists but I don't actually like writing them with people anymore because roleplays move slower than molasses running uphill in winter. Like, I don't know, it just seems overrated now, to post 800-1000+ words (sometimes) on one character interaction, when if you're writing by yourself, it's a lot easier to control where you want a story to go, how you want the tone to be - sometimes you can say, "Fuck writing this in order, let me just get to the good scene...!" God, screw waiting a billion years building up tension and drama.

With a person that I know personally roleplaying with me, it's better, because I know they're going to post and that I'm going to post, etc., but with strangers, its intolerable.

And I've decided that maybe blogging about writing isn't so bad... God, yes, I know I'm a hypocrite, I'm a huge hypocrite, but hopefully this is the last post you'll see me make about roleplaying, anyway. I'm trying to get back to my schedule of outlining Pridea - I want the outline done by the end of March or the very beginning of April at least, and it's coming along okay, I think... Man, I'm just really tired lately, just trying to cut back on the unnecessary stuff that I don't need...
 
 
Current Mood: blah
 
 
Kiri
03 February 2011 @ 12:22 pm
i fight battles i can never finish  
Remember that huge multi-genre site I joined a couple weeks ago? It was never supposed to be anything serious. It was just supposed to be this place that I'd join to get in a few roleplays and have somewhere to check back to - a home that was touch-and-go, you know? My relationship with the site has turned way more serious than that. I'm in a ton of epic roleplays, I post more than eight to ten times a day there, and when I'm not posting, I'm mindlessly refreshing the online user list, to see when other people are gonna post. Again, my posts aren't really that long there, so they're just quick things I bang out really easily, but still! It's taken over my mind, man. This was supposed to help my writing - to stimulate character creation, to make me feel like I belong somewhere. And I do belong! But I belong too much!

I have a lot of - well, I wouldn't say friends just yet, but acquaintances that come up with hilarious/epic plots, there's always someone to toss around plot ideas... I can't get out of it. And there's no way I want to leave. I haven't felt this accepted without being the admin of a forum since .... well, never. I've never felt accepted in any forum that I wasn't running before. And now here I am. I'm wondering if something will happen, like it always does, to make me leave, but I can't picture that happening. Everyone is so laid back - and yeah, there are a lot of noobs, but they're easy to dodge, really.

I don't know how to moderate myself. I don't even know what the hell to call myself anymore. At the start of the year, I was planning to write something every day, but then the sickness hit, so my plans were ruined. A month's already gone, there are only eleven months left to actually do something with 2011 - I feel like time's just slipping away.

And Senior Project's over, but so what - that doesn't mean that teachers aren't gonna put the pressure on me even more. Hell, I didn't go to school today, because there was a one hour delay, and that would mean Mom would have to take us. She's incredibly sick, so I told her to lay back down, don't worry about it, I'd stay home and take care of her today. Probably not the smartest move in retrospect, but I didn't give enough of a shit to go. It's hard for me to give a shit about anything except roleplaying on that frickin' addicting site. Is it okay, to be addicted to a site? I'm not sure if it is. I didn't mean to be addicted - it was supposed to help my writing, not hurt it.

I haven't wrote anything since the start of January, and I don't even know how to finish it. I don't know how to finish anything anymore.

There's also that thing with the writing blog I want to start after my birthday. Dude, why are so many "serious" writers:

A. old as the fuckin' hills,
B. stay-at-home moms who talk about their kids if they're not talking about their writing, if ever
C. old crotchety dudes
D. colour-blind and have no taste in blog skins

It's not me being ageist. I wouldn't care if they were old as the fuckin' hills if they didn't plaster pictures of themselves all over their blogs. Why do people gotta do that? This is the Internet, I don't want to know what you look like unless I've know you for years! I kind of just make up my own image of you as you go. Keep yourself off the Internet, god, all those pictures are just fodder for 4chan to scoop up and make macros of anyone - why do people post pictures of themselves online, I don't understand it! God. That's the beauty of the Internet, isn't it? You're an anonymous figure - hell, I'm anonymous right now since I haven't told you my full name. Despite the fact that my name (kiri catastrophe) is pretty much a Google search term now, I'm anonymous - because who have no idea who I am (unless you're [personal profile] razzberree ) and have no idea what I look like. Once you post that picture up online, all of that goes away. Why would you want it to go away? Unless you keep it separate from your online persona, sure, but... Gah, it just pisses me off, okay?!

That's my rant. I gotta find a way to start writing again, or else I'm fucken screwed, bro.
 
 
Current Mood: aggravated
 
 
Kiri
02 December 2010 @ 10:34 pm
kiri still has too much shit to do and still wants to sleep  
We had a crazy power outage yesterday, it shut off all the power in our house around 8:00 PM, and we didn't have it again until... Well, I don't know when it came back on, 'cause I decided to just go to bed when the power shut off. It was crazy ridiculous man, but to be honest, it's not like I had anything important to do. I probably would've just goofed off on the Internet like I always do, doing absolutely nothing. It's not like I don't have anything better to do, really! I need to get working on my research paper, which I'll do this weekend, I guess... I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to do with my backboard, but I'll do that the weekend after this one, I guess... I can't work on my backboard without knowing what the hell's gonna be in my research paper, I swear I'm not just stalling! (Okay, it's a little bit of me just stalling, but I really think if I wait 'til the weekend, it'll turn out much better, honest!)

Today, my guidance counselor called me in the office to talk about my plans for college and all that. Honestly, this is the one thing I don't want to talk about - and don't you have better things to do with your time than grill me about college applications? I told her that I don't know what I'm doing - that either I'll apply to CCRI for two years and then transfer to URI for the last two years of my journalism major, or just go to URI all the way. In all honesty, that's a lie, I really don't know if I want to do journalism or not. A part of me thinks that its okay to just wait a year, sort out your life, and then apply if you know that's what's really right for me, but the pressure is on from all sides of the fire. Mom, Dad, my intern teach, my guidance counselors, they all expect sort epic shit to come from me and I really don't know what to make of it. Oh, and they said that I have grades that say I should be in National Honor Society... but to be honesty, National Honor Society isn't all that important to me. Why couldn't they have told me this in junior year? I mean, I've only got my first quarter grades out now - why did they wait so late?

(It's because you're from Tolman, the drop out factory, they assumed you were stupid.)

Yeah, but my junior year grades definitely proved that I wasn't. It's just annoying because they told me this now when senior project deadlines are coming at me from all directions and everyone's putting fire under my ass for me to get everything turned in by the deadly and almighty DECEMBER 15th. Everybody, FEAR THE ALMIGHTY DECEMBER 15th! Okay, but seriously - to get in, you need 15 hours of community service (check), you need to write a general essay about your personality (would that really be so hard), and get a teacher to write a letter of recommendation for you to get in, but I can't use my intern teach 'cause he's on the NHS board.

Okay, that's a little hard. I would ask my current English teacher, but I don't like him 'cause he's this airhead who doesn't teach and just talks about ghost stories all day and when it comes time to write, I dunno, RESEARCH PAPERS, he kind of just leaves us to our own devices. It's been two years since I've written a research paper and it'd be nice if I could get some instruction on how he wants this piece of shit set up, but no. Hey, I like ghost stories dude. I love creepypasta and I love getting a good scare everyone once and a while, sure, and paranormal stories are bamf, but this is English class, dude! And we need to have an essay in by the 15th, an essay you haven't told us how you want it to be started, how to structure it, where you want the thesis statement (some teachers like it at the beginning - like my Freshie English teach - while others want it on the end - like my Soph English teach). Some clarification would be nice!

Somehow, I will get all this shit done, and I will definitely get it done before Christmas break and have a very merry Christmas indeed! I haven't been able to get in the holiday spirit because of this shit. I wanted to make a homemade advent calendar this year, haha, but fuck that. Next year I'll probably have a job and I'll be able to buy materials to actually make a decent lookin' one instead, though.

When I sat down to blog today, I had no idea what I was going to write, I didn't even feel like writing in the first place, but then I came across this quote on a blog about blogging and felt inspired a little:

In which Kiri renews her love of blogging through random quotes... )
 
 
Current Mood: cold
 
 
Kiri
30 November 2010 @ 10:44 am
kiri has too much to do and all she wants to do is sleep  
I'm at school yet again, blogging from the library's computer lab. Don't ask me why we're here, my math teach thought it'd be a good idea to give us this assignment where we'd need to use the computers to imput these really ridiculous problems into this math gizmo thing... Yeah, don't ask.

I talked to the freelancer last night, and he wants me to write one more article. Once that's done, I'll have six hours under my belt, and I'll be done with 3/4 of my senior project. I've been really nervous about writing it, for some reason. Apparently, he wants me to interview a teacher here, one I've never even heard of, and do a quick article about her earning National Certification or whatever. Dude, I don't even know what National Certification is, nor do I really care, nor do I know who this teacher is. I really don't want to write it, but I'm not going to complain, because he was nice enough to give it to me, in order to get all my hours done. I should be grateful, really!

But I have so much to do already! I have to start outlining my research paper that I haven't even worked on, nor do I have all the five sources I need to write it, I need to start thinking about how in the hell I'm going to decorate my backboard (why do I need a backboard to give a speech anyway? it shouldn't be necessary, nor a vital part of my grade...) and I still have to organize my Senior Project binder, so when the judges see it, they don't think I'm a total slob.

Blah. Writing the article shouldn't be too hard. I've got my old recorder to work, so I'll use that to record the audio, so I won't have to worry too much about taking copious notes. I'll think of really good questions to ask that teacher when I get home, and then tomorrow, ask her the frickin questions and just get it over with.

The thing is... I don't mind writing articles in general. When I have a fun topic, it can be really interesting! Blah, but I just don't give a damn about Nation Certification or anything like that, and I have so much else to do, but, I'll just get 'er done. I'm not sure why I didn't say no. Why didn't I say no?! Why is it that when I feel indebted to people, I find it so hard to so no? Why does he need me to write another article anyway, why can't he just sign off that I did three hours or something, gahhh...

(Kiri, you shouldn't be whining! It takes like twenty minutes for you to write a goddamn article and you're good at it too, so shuddap!)

Fine, fine...
I also need my transcript, but I'll get that tomorrow. I have no idea how to go about getting it so yeah, that can wait.

My mom wants me to get the flu shot - I lied and told her that we're getting the flu shot at school, when really they've already had it here, I just chose not to go. I haven't had the H1N1 flu shot since it came out a year ago and I don't plan on getting it now. I'll just scheme up a marvelous lie like the magnificent bastard I am.

Kiri is a horrible person, I know! I know!
 
 
Current Location: library computer lab
Current Mood: busy
 
 
Kiri
29 November 2010 @ 12:27 pm
everything must go, all due dates are go  
Lately, I've been really horrible with blogging daily. Yeah, I know, I've been bad, it's just, I've been feeling like crap, lately.

In which Kiri rants about senior project and stupid people in her class... )
I can't wait to get out of Rhode Island... There's no way in hell I'm staying here for the rest of my days, hell no. I don't know where I'll go - just far away from here. Somewhere cold where it's not very hot, not ever, and someone where the economy isn't total shit (good luck with that, Kiri) and somewhere where... I don't know, somewhere better than phony Rhody, someone better! (Haha, I feel like I should break into a Disney song right now...)

Today I overheard someone talking about a full scholarship they got to Johnson and Wales, bragging that they could basically go to college for free. Why can't I get a full scholarship somewhere? Why do I have to worry about fianancial aid and Pell Grants and community college and transferring over to URI and blah, blah, blah... Why do I even have to worry about college at all? I'm tired of it. I just wish I could find somewhere to work and then work and then be done with it. That's what I want to do, anyway - that's the only way I'll be free of here, but I know it won't happen (will it happen?) Gah, I don't know anymore.

I've got too much shit to do:

1. Call freelancer. I need six more hours. Ask him also about signing the community service slip.
2. Look into applying to CCRI. Calculate total cost it'll take to take two years there and two years at URI.
3. Do I need a letter of recommendation for CCRI? I don't think I will, but if you do, tell your intern teach the truth.
4. Take notes for research paper, outline research paper, get five sources for research paper, work to finish it.
5. Start thinking about what you're going to put on your backboard for your senior project. Finish up SP speech.

ALL SENIOR PROJECT SHIT IS DUE ON DEC. 15. HOW IN THE HELL IS KIRI GOING TO FINISH IT ALL?!
 
 
Current Location: senior project computer room
Current Mood: aggravated
 
 
Kiri
03 November 2010 @ 09:28 pm
a girl who is unnaturally natural  
, There is absolutely no way for me to weasel my way out of interviewing Mr. Marc Dorcean on Nov. 5. Absolutely no way. My Latin teacher's wife told the senior project head about it and she says that this will be a "unique opportunity," and that I could base my the physical senior project... project around it. If my article is good enough to go in the Post, I will be exempt from making a video. The offer is so tempting - there is no way for me to refuse. This way, I don't have to bring dad's laptop to school just to show off some shitty video - this way, I can have my project over and done with before I'm even done with my hours! But am I capable of interviewing a famous musician?

Goddamnit, I'm just a kid! I'm only seventeen! I play video games and read Lord of the Rings, I'm not good enough for this sort of thing! But everyone believes so much in me. I'm not sure why. Everyone was pushing me today, telling me, You have to do this, you have to do this. And I don't have a choice in this matter, really. I've been so stressed out, that I was hoping my bum knee would collapse on me (like is usually does around this time of year, when it starts getting chilly) so I'd have an excuse to be absent and burn all their expectations of me, but I can't back out now.

I'm doing this so I don't have to bring dad's laptop to school... He loves that thing, I don't want to bring it to such an unholy place... And really, I don't really have a choice anymore. Somehow I've landed myself into this situation and nobody gives a damn about what I want anymore. They all think I'm some sort of overachiever, but I'm not, really. I'm just your average student. SAT score is somewhere around the 1600's, I get mostly A's except for a B/C in math sometimes... I'm exceptional at reading and writing, but that's it, really... I don't see the point in wasting your life away in grades and tests and etc... There's a life out there beyond the educational system, and once I get out of school, I'm never looking back.

I'll brainstorm interview questions later. I don't feel like thinking about it now.

I spent most of my time playing Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney today. Man, I love that game! I'm on Edgeworth's trial, Turnabout Goodbyes I think it's called, and we've just found out that the man in the boat rental shack could very well have been the one to the victim, not Edgey! I really love Edgeworth, he's probably got a spot for one of my top favorite characters of all time. He's cocky, confident, and cold, but when you see him being accused of murder, he definitely shows a human side that's so relatable! He's got so many secrets too... I have to remember not to read the spoilers on the wikis! They'll just ruin the game! And man, Phoenix is a total bro to Edgeworth, becoming a defense attorney just so he could get a hold of him... It's true friendship, I say! 

Oh, and as for my writing... I've decided... even though I spent all my time making notes for [community profile] origfic_bingo yesterday, I'm going to scrap them, and just make all of my prompts one shots. No... I don't have any ideas for one shots, just vague things, but that's probably the better way to do it. No one'll read anything that's got actual chapters, and the stories I want to tell can be told in one piece anyway. Yeah, I know, I worked so hard on my notes, but, like always, I'll just wing it! And if I'm good at anything, its crafting a good story. Kiri: master liar, storyteller, she thinks on her feet and isn't afraid of anything!
 
 
Current Mood: annoyed
 
 
Kiri
28 October 2010 @ 12:19 pm
hey, kiri here. but i guess you already knew that.  
Yeah, yeah, it's me again. She (and by "she" I mean by Senior Project teach) wants me to start journaling about my hours with the freelancer, but I'll do that at home. I lied and said I've already got them done, but hell, they might as well be. All my notes about my time with him are at home, so I can't exactly start writing now. Anyway, I don't know why she's picking on me - no one else has freakin' journal entries done, so why bother me? I'm not exactly in the best mood right now...

I was fine before, but then I remembered that SAT scores came out today, so I checked them, and lo and behold, my Math score only went up twenty points! Twenty frickin points. Fantastic. My writing score actually went down, and my reading score is exactly the same. But anyway, with a score this low, I'm not going to qualify for URI's merit scholarship program. It's too late to think about applying for any other scholarships - I put my eggs in one basket, just like everyone told me not to do, and now I'm going to pay for it.

So fine, I won't apply for any scholarship, and so fine, my parents will have to find some way to pay for it all. There's financial aid, but no matter how many extra curriciular things I do after school, and no matter how of a good frickin' student I am, and no matter how exceptional my grades all, all anyone gives a damn about is frickin' SAT scores! Fuck the SATs! They don't properly show what the hell I can do, and then a part of me thinks, Why the fuck do we have to try so hard to please these colleges anyway? Let me in! Don't drain my parents of all their godddamn hard-earned money just because I want to have a goddamn future in something I can actually see myself doing. It's not fair. It seems small and childish for me to break down and say it, but it's not fair. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of licking the boots of the goddamn educational system just so I can do something with myself, I'm tired of letting them beat me with rules and regulations and standardized test scores, when I have so much more to prove than just some goddamn fucking numbers. Fuck them. Fuck them.
 
I want to sail away on a navy boat. Maybe it's the only way. I can get the experience I need for journalism and 100% of my tuiton would be paid by their GI bill or whatever the hell. I don't know how it works. All I know is that life on a boat sounds a lot better than being grounding by all of their goddamn rules. I suck at math, okay? I say fuck your tests and fuck your rules and regulations and fuck you trying to squeeze me in a box. Chains aren't good for students, fuck the chains, fuck you trying to label our potential with numbers. I have so much more to offer, but to be honest, at the end of the day, I don't even really give a shit about your college. I'm doing this so my parents won't look at me and think, what a loser. Because I know that's what they'd think, and I don't want to be a burden. So I'll do what they expect, but I don't want to.

Let me sail away from here. I can go into news and media on the navy and then on the ship, 100% of my tuiton will be paid. I won't have to be a burden. I don't want to be a burden. All I want to do is just be independent and be on my way, but everything keeps trying to stop me. God, I'm so fucking pissed, why am I writing this in school? I'll just start crying or something stupid. I need to stop thinking about it.

That Human Development paper is due Nov. 3rd and my goddamn partners haven't even done the research they were supposed to. I'm grilling them about it today. I'm pissed off right now, and no one can escape my wrath.
 
 
Current Mood: pissed off
 
 
Kiri
17 October 2010 @ 01:48 pm
craving a worthless fix  
I hate hate hate hate hate roleplayers today. I can’t stand it. If I throw a thread up and you post in it, chances are, I’m going to respond. In fact, there is a 99.9% chance that I’m going to respond, because I love threading and roleplaying that much, even if you don’t put periods after the end of your sentences, you grammatically challenged asshole. And yeah, my grammar’s probably not the best either – hell, I don’t expect you to know what an oxford comma is ‘cause I sure as hell don’t, but you’re atrocious when it comes to basic comma usage and spelling – you can’t even capitalize half of your freakin’ proper nouns, so already you’re a basket case. But sure, fine, I read your lame ass post (and half of the goddamn thing was spent describing how fucking beautiful your character was, with porcelain skin and ruby red lips and blah blah blah – this isn’t a goddamn Disney film, so I don’t care about how pretty your courtesan slut is) and I said, “Ugh, whatever, I’ll respond.” I’m nice like that, see? Or maybe just desperate, desperate for a goddamn thread. I’m a roleplaying junk, see, I just gotta have my fix, even if it comes from assholes like you.

Days pass. I’m busy; I barely even log in the goddamn site. Now, when I finally have a chance to respond to Ms. Mary Sue, I see that you’ve assumed that I’m not going to respond, and you’ve… responded to the thread that I’ve started, and now you’re roleplaying with yourself. What? What? If I don’t respond in less than three days, you’ll hijack the thread that I started and start roleplaying with yourself? Man, fuck you – I barely have enough time in the day as it is to start a freakin’ thread. My weekends are spent hanging out with people a lot more fun with you, so don’t give me that shit – I wouldn’t waste my valuable free time on you on my holy Saturday (not holy in the goddamn religious terms, but sacred, sacred to me because I’m not expected to shit on Saturdays, mostly). You’re just… ridiculous. Roleplaying in general is ridiculous, goddamnit, I hate it and love it so much!

But I love it too! I feel sorry for abandoning my closest – damn, she just wanted to make a home for us, she really did. She was sick of us moving around and she just wanted to make the final resting place, where we wouldn’t have to worry about our site dying or fading out or whatever. Why did I leave? I’m searching for answers, racking my brain for a legitimate response to this, but nothing’s coming. Literally, nothing, I can’t think of any good reason. I feel like crawling back, but I know I won’t do that – I’ll probably just start roaming again, looking for the next best thing. Isn’t it sick, that I already have a few places in mind where I can go next? Isn’t it sick, that the place I roleplay on has to be perfect? Any time someone acts negatively towards me, I leave – I take off before drama can start, because I’ve been beaten and battered by drama before, I had someone who I was supposed to trust pull my rug of security out from under my feet, and I don’t want that happening again. Or maybe, it’s just that cynical feeling that I have – that there are so many other roleplaying sites out there, and I don’t have to put up with any bullshit. I didn’t have any attachment towards it anyway.

So fuck you and fuck your Inuyasha graphics – and if you’re really married and over twenty years old as you say… then I weep for this generation, I really do. How the fuck does someone as old as you have such atrocious grammar? Why is it that your characters have the most generic and cookie cutter personalities possible? I recently acquired this naïve belief that even if you fucking suck at writing, that you could still make a good plot piece – but no, I realize now that people like you are best left to your own goddamn devices. Leave me out of whatever world you live in.

When things like this happen, it makes me feel as if I should probably apologize to her, but I don’t know if she’s want I want. I didn’t even do anything wrong. Wasn’t she was the one who avoided me? I don’t know what I want anymore – I just want to stop roaming. I want to find peace. I want to quit, but I can’t. Why can’t I? Because I’m a junkie, that’s why, craving fix after fix, and moving on after the sites all dry up, leaving their corpses in my wake.
 
 
Current Mood: pissed off